Incarceration Viewpoint from a Male in NJ

BEING LOCKED UP TO ME IS A COMBINATION OF MANY DIFFERENT THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. FIRST OFF, I WOULD LIKE TO START BY SAYING, THAT I AM INCARCERATED FOR 2 COUNTS OF ASSAULT. I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED OF THESE CHARGES , AND THEY HAVE BROUGHT GREAT SHAME UPON ME AND MY FAMILY. I HOPE THAT YOU KEEP IN MIND THAT THESE CHARGES ARE OF THE WORST TO BE LOCKED UP ON , AND TO SOME RIGHTFULLY SO, MYSELF INCLUDED. HOWEVER, I MAKE NO EXCUSES AS TO MY ACTIONS AND HAVE ACCEPTED ALL RESPONSIBILITY.
SINCE MY INCARCERATION IN AUGUSE 2004, I HAVE GONE THROUGH MANY PHASES OF PRISON LIFE. WHEN I WAS FIRST ARRESTED, IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER BEEN TO A COUNTY FACILITY. I WAS EXTREMELY SCARED, AND KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE SYSTEM. NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THAT MOST PEOPLE WITH THESE TYPE OF CHARGES, AREN'T NORMAL CRIMINALS. THEY NORMALLY HAVE CLEAN CRIMINAL RECORDS. I SAY THIS BECAUSE WHILE BEING LOCKED UP, A LOT OF ILLEGAL SCAMS GO ON INSIDE THE PRISON WALLS, AND IT BECOMES A BATTLE TO EITHER JOIN INTO IT, OR STAY TO YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STAY AWAY FROM THE SCAMS, BUT THE LONGER I STAY HERE, THE WORSE THE TEMPTATION BECOMES. MOST PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE (THAT HAVE COMMITTED THE CRIME I DID), BECAUSE THEY SEE IT AS A MORTAL SIN. PERSONALLY, I SEE IT AS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG, EMOTIONALLY. I'M NOT SAYING I AGREE WITH OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE COMMITTED THE SAME CRIME, BUT I UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE REASONS BEHIND THEIR CRIME, BUT NOT ALL. I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY DEAL WITH PEOPLE SAYING THAT WE ARE ANIMALS AND SHOULD BE LOCKED AWAY FOREVER. SOME SHOULD, BUT IF I WERE TO EXPLAIN MY CASE, MOST WOULD UNDERSTAND IT EASIER. MY LIFE IS CONSTANTLY THREATENED BY OTHER INMATES....MURDERERS, ROBBERS,...PEOPLE WITH ALL TYPES OF CRIMES AGAINST PEOPLE WHOSE CRIMES ARE SOMETIMES JUST AS BAD AS MINE, OR WORSE.
LEAVING A FAMILY OUTSIDE ALSO CREATES A SERIOUS AND DANGEROUS SITUATION, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF MY MIND. IT BRINGS ABOUT DEPRESSION AND ANGER, BECAUSE WE HOLD OURSELVES ACCOUNTABLE TO EVERYONE FOR WHAT WE HAVE DONE. I AM DIVORCED BECAUSE OF MY OWN DOING, OF WHICH BROUGHT THESE CHARGES UP. I HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON, WHO I REALIZE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG, AND FEELS HE IS THE REASON I AM HERE. ALL THIS WEIGHS HEAVY ON MY MIND, ENOUGH TO MAKE ME CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP 2 TO 3 TIMES PER WEEK.
BEING HEREIS ALSO HARD BECAUSE AS WE SIT HERE, THE WORLD AROUND US GOES ON. OUR FRIENDS AND OUR FAMILIES GO TO WORK, OR GO TO BALL GAMES, OR GO DO WHAT THEY LIKE TO DO. THIS IS ONE OF OUR PUNISHMENTS, BUT SOCIETY THINKS THAT PRISONERS HAVE TOO MANY FREEDOMS AND RIGHTS. WELL, WE ARE TAKEN CARE OF, BUT WE ALSO DON'T HAVE FREEDOM. IT'S SAID THAT WE HAVE 3 HATS AND A CAR, WELL THAT'S TRUE, BUT WE ALSO HAVE TO LIVE WITH A ROOM-MATE AND A TOIKET 3 FEET FROM US IN AN 9 X 9 FT. CELL. I'D RATHER A CARD BOARD BOX AND SCRAPS , TO BE WITH MY FAMILY THAN HERE. YES, WE GET TO WALK AROUND THE YARD, AND PLAY CARDS AND CHESS. WE ALSO GET TO GO TO ALL KINDS OF CLASSES. THEY EVEN GIVE US A JOB. BUT THE ONE THING WE DON'T HAVE IS "FREEDOM."
THE LAST THING ABOUT BEING LOCKED UP, IS THE FEELING OF HOPE. AS WE ALL GET CLOSER TO OUR PAROLE DATE, OR A MAX. DATE, WE ALL GET EXCITED AT THE THINGS THAT BEING FRRE BRINGS US. MOST WILL RETURN, BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED THEIR WAYS WILL i ? WELL ALL I CAN SAYIS THAT MY SON HOPES THAT I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON AND I WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND TO BE HIS DADDY, AND THAT IS ALL I CAN HOPE FOR.
FINALLY, SOMETHING ELSE I WANT TO ADD, AND I KNOW IT'S OFF THE SUBJECT, BUT I WANT PEOPLE TO TRY TO UNDERSTANDTHAT BEING LOCKED UP MAY SEEM ENJOYABLE TO SOME, BUT ALMOST ALL ARE UPSET ABOUT BEING LOCKED UP, THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO DEAL WITH IT. ALSO, IF YOU HAPPEN TO COME ACCROSS SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS COMMITTED THE SAME CRIME AS MYSELF, BEFORE YOU JUDGE THEM, GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN, BECAUSE SOME ARE PUT IN BAD SITUATIONS, AS MYSELF. I NEVER SAW IT COMING, BUT HERE I AM. I AM NOT JUSTIFYING IT, BUT RATIONALIZING IT. FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE, I WILL HAVE TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING I DO, AND I CAN NEVER RUN. I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED THIS PASSAGE, AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL............MIKE D......NJ