Family Day

Dear Friends; Last Saturday September 10 we have a family day. Family Day in prison means that our family and friends are allowed inside the compound (dining hall, chapel, recreation and education area) not inside our housing units. As I said before, this was the first time that I was going to be able run and sit on the grass with my sons in almost 10 years. For days I have been searching inside my heart a word to describe my feelings that day; up to this moment I have not been able to find one; it was such a mix feelings, I was joyful, sad, grateful, anxious, guilty, desperate, sorry, thankful, out of control, lost and much much more, all those feelings were traveling in and out of me at the speed of light; a few times thru the day I had to stop and think in order for me to regain posture. I thought that I was prepare, I had everything under control in my mind; to later find out that I couldnot articulate with my sons, I cry as I write this because that is really what the prison does for us, dettached us from our family and society and left us feeling like we do not fit anymore in society neither in our family but only in prison. I was adamant to believe that and I always said that that will not happen to me, but it did, however I will survive even if I have to suffer while I learn about my sons. Even though that I consider myself close to my sons, I realized that I do not know much about them, further I was afraid to ask, maybe afraid to be wrong or said something to prove that I was a mom that does not know her sons. My sons tell me over the phone what they do, however due to the time and financial limitations we do not get into details; for example if they tell me that they play beisbol, that is all what we have time to talk we can not get into details such as what position they play. This will be too long if I tell you every detail of this memorable time with my sons, but I want to share with you whathelped me to relax and allowed me to interact with my sons more easily, it was the fact that I was surprise to find out how much they know about me and how proud they were to let me know that they know a lot about mommie. When my sons walked in with my family, my sister Briglig (she is my special sister I adore her like if she were my own daugther) said: "You look great, How you lost so much weight?" my little one Jeswil (10 years old) jumped and answered: 'Briglig, mommie practices Yoga" I did not say anything just grap him, give him a hug and kiss him and then I said: "yes Briglig He is right" Later we were sitting in a circle under a tent and my sister said:"Tell me how is a regular day for you here" my oldest Yrwil (11 years old) jumped and said: "mommie gets up at 5:00 am and do exercise, then she walks in this track, she is also the choir director and she plays the keyboard so she practices music there at the chapel, she also do legal work there at that legal library ..." he was talking like he knew the place and knew every detail of my life inside prison, I did not know what to say, I just hold him tight to my heart and a tear roled down my face. When it was time to eat, we were standing in a long line (over 3000 family members plus inmates) we were debating how to make it simple for us, we thought to get the children's trays and we asking them what they want to eat. Jeswil said: " no hamburgers for me, I do not eat hamburgers like my mommie" my brother'n law in a surprise gesture asked: "Jeswil you do not eat hamburgers?" and he answered: " I had never ate a hamburger like mommie, rihgt mommie?" he continue and said: "and the corn and dog I only eat the corn part like mommie" I was just listening trying to learn more about their preferences that were just like my; then Yrwil said (trying to look like mommie too but he is like his father even in his preferences) I had ate just little pieces of hamburgers once and then but I do not like hamburgers either". My sister was wise enought to let me sit in one table alone with my sons, I asked them to bless the food and after debating betwen them which one was going to say the blessing. Yrwil begun the blessing by saying: "I thanks God for this time with mommie . . . " my heart and my stomag became a nod of sadness and I could not eat. The rest of the day, Jeswil did not get tire of playing, running, hugging and kissing me, the more that I hug and kiss him the more he wanted. Yrwil wanted a time alone ( he is more quiet) and after lunch he walked out of our circle without saying anything and started walking, when he was out of my sight I got up and looked for him and the sweetest moment of the family day came when my son Halored: "mommie" ! What a sweet word!. We sat alone and talked for almost an hour the subject of our conversation and what my sons said to others and to me about family day will be the subject of future Prison Talk Online. I honestly can tell you that deep inside my heart I am not sure whether I do or do not agree with Prison Family Day neither I can say whether I am happy or sad after the family day. Maybe your opinion will help. I certainly learned that I did not know how helpless a human being can feel specially a person like me that think that I am always in control of my feelings and my thoughts. I love you all. Yraida (leo)